Anyone finding entertainment in this blog will be questioned; anyone finding
grammatical errors will be prosecuted; anyone finding value will be banished.
- with thanks to Mark Twain

  • Do not read this blog if you or a family member have a history of spontaneous combustion while reading this blog.
  • Consult your partner before reading this blog while trying to get pregnant.
  • Do not drink and drive while reading this blog to underaged children.
  • This blog may impair your ability to digest certain Chinese foods.
  • Using a chainsaw while reading this blog may impede your ability to retain lower appendages.
  • This blog has been reported to cause drowsiness in patients who have chewed gum four out of five times.
  • If you have an erection lasting more than four hours while reading this blog, think about Baltimore Orioles or house finches.
  • This blog should not be used as a shark repellent without a prescription.
  • In California, New York, and Massachusetts, this blog may not be used by minors as an alternative to formal education without parental consent.
  • In Utah and South Dakota, this blog may not be used by minors, majors, or lieutenant colonels as an alternative to Bible study without clerical supervision.
  • In Alaska, natives may and will do whatever the hell they want.
  • In laboratory trials, rats reading this blog have been found to show signs of ailurophobia.
  • Individuals whose parents or grandparents died in infancy should never read this blog.
  • If you have suicidal thoughts while reading this blog, chill.
  • Among possible side effects are retinal rash, water retention, dishpan hands, mild to severe conniptions, Beatlemania, verbophobia, astral projection, foregone conclusions, the Rapture, discord among imaginary friends, razor burn, UFO sightings, animal magnetism, and the seven-year itch.
  • Consult your guru immediately at any moment that you think you've found enlightenment as a result of reading this blog.