If I Were King...
Saturday, April 28, 2012
  • Left-handed people would not be employed to affix the twist ties on bread wrappers.

  • Street alcoholics would be offered work street-sweeping. They would be paid by the block with booze and per diem with simple room and board.

  • Pedestrians in crosswalks would be allowed swings with baseball bats.

  • Recreational drugs would be taken out of the hands of maniacally homicidal foreigners and put back into the hands of domestic stay-at-homes where they once were and where neo-Edgar Allan Poes would score without supporting terrorists.

  • Parking meters would pay drivers —in graduated amounts according to the lengths of time their cars were idle.

  • There would be no property taxes on homes. Families' houses would therefore be held across generations; their procreation would take into account the accommodations; and their young would take care not to despoil their reputations or their neighborhoods.

  • None of my ministers would think it odd that Mexicans want access to New Mexico.

  • Cars would not shrink in size to save gas; they would shrink in speed.

  • Anti-pollution (recycling) trucks would not be the biggest noise polluters.

  • The movement of cargo by air would be banned.

  • Soldiers would be paid at a level commensurate with the level of danger rather than according to the level of poverty that impelled their enlistment.

  • Every high schooler would know that Hitler was elected democratically.

  • No roadway would be paved without a sidewalk big enough for kids' bikes.

  • No kind of marriage would be monitored by any agency of government, because it would be nobody's business.

  • All religions would be fully and equally tolerated, and treatment would be free of charge.

  • There would be more trout. Big ones.