August 11, 2010
What's up with those orange things?
My pal naturalist Bill Amidon sent me some of his fabulous photos of nature. In one of the photos, there were some objects that I could not identify. He sent me this close-up of his upside-down tomato plants.
Wondering about the value of raising tomato plants upside-down, I did not bother to investigate too far. I decided to imagine for myself the justification of the trouble taken to do so.
Ten reasons to grow tomatoes upside-down:
— If you get big tomatoes hanging free from the foliage and well off the ground, you can get a nice clean swing at them with a baseball bat.
— You can harvest them with no lifting; you can just cut them off and let them fall into a tractor hopper.
— If you forget to harvest them, they won't mush the plant when they fall off.
— You can make Australian guests feel more at home.
— You can make aging hippies stand on their heads.
— The tomatoes won't mind being killed, because they've never had an uplifting moment in their lives anyway.
— You can put one of your cattle skulls on the bucket and pretend it's a little orange bull with big red balls.
— Somewhere there has to be a vegan cult that requires the ownership of hanging tomatoes for induction.
— Carly Simon will have to rewrite "Anticipation."
— When you get tomatoes to fall the wrong way, you can make self-tossed salad.